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[sticky post] I am sorry.

Long ago I met you and I am the better for it.  We were in love.  At least I thought I was.  After all you came across 3,000 miles just for us to meet.  But it was so wrong what happened between us and how it ended.  And for that I am eternally sorry and mostly to blame.  I was not smarter, wiser, bigger man, and did not know how to make things work.  Never should we have argued like that.  Never should I have ruined your birthday.  Never should I have put you in that spot, time and time again.  For those three colossol mistakes I am truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me at some point.  Years ago you found me and we chatted again on Facebook and I again screwed up by asking you to apologize to me for that which is not and never will be your fault.  I am sorry, you do not owe me an apology of any sort, ever.  I am slow and took years to process.  You were right afterall, it just took me forever to understand it.  You never owed me an apology nor anything else.  Now in hindsight, though, it is unfortunate that we had the life experiences we did before meeting each other that created the whole mess in the first place.  Had I known what you knew so long ago I'd have handled it all with less of what neither of us loved nor wanted to ever feel more of.  Sorry.  When you insulted me by saying I lived in a cave, well, it wasn't an insult, you were partially right, I did come from a cave.  Please forgive me for being that inexperienced and naïve.  You may find me again if you need to talk about anything at all, but know that I do not need an apology or a bow from you, nor anything else, but as always will listen, though with new ears.  Ones that have at least heard the world outside of my little cave.  I wish I could apologize to you in a chat, or in video, but I can't.  All I can do is write this post and as you know that I write music, I will write a song about, not us, as that is private, but what I feel sorry for bringing into your life when all I wanted was to give you nothing but endless joy.  Forgive me.

No subject your Majesty

I really need a new cap, cap.


This is my new 2.0 entry.  Wowzers!!!

Plus sign sucks.  No emojii.  Retarded #AI won't let me type two eyes after emoj!!!  FCUK IS GOOD FASHION! FCUK IS GOOD FASHION!  OOOOOOOOO


I woke up a bit earlier than my usual noon hour. My alarm was set for a bright start at 9:30, but when it rang I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I finally got up and got dressed by 10:40. I'm still suffering it seems some sort of a sleep problem. I call it a problem because I spend too much time in bed. The real truth is, I like being in bed for long periods of time. It's comfortable, warm, very cozy, I have no responsibilities in there, I'm relaxed, it's such a good feeling. But spending 10 or more hours in bed probably isn't healthy. I have to cut down on my bed time, unfortunately.

Then I got dressed and with hate in my mind for the task ahead I proceeded anyway. I had to go and get a government issued document, to apply for it. I expected the line up will be long. I expected they will reject me and I didn't want to feel stupid and helpless. I expected the process to be difficult. My mom told me about a new government document, the Ontario ID card. It's issued only to those without a driver's license. Perfect for someone like me who cannot drive (thought I wish technology would allow it someday, it is the 21st century after all, is it not?). So I got my Citizenship card, my OHIP card and the form my mom printed yesterday all filled out and my backpack and I went to the ServiceOntario office located just 10 minutes away on Victoria street. I was surprised to find only 3 people in line around 11am. So great! I waited maybe 5 minutes and got to a very friendly lady. She took my documents, made photocopies, looked over what I filled out, took my payment of $35 via a debit transaction. She asked me to stand next to a white wall as she took a picture, and within 10 minutes we were all done! Painless, problem-free, perfect!!!! I was worrying about nothing. She said it takes 4-5 weeks to arrive in the mail, so it looks like this card won't be available to me as my ID for my Cisco exam. I'm worried about the exam because they ask for two documents with signature and photo and I don't have that many things with my signature on them. Plus during the test I have to leave all my documents outside of the testing centre, and I'm worried someone will steal them. They aren't exactly security proof in that building. I'm nervous about that.

Then I went to Burger King and bought a Whopper. I decided against buying two, I'll have to make lunch on Thursday. I also bought an ice cream on my way to the ServiceOntario office. I got my burger, placed it into my backpack, and went to Indigo at Eaton centre, exploring the Kids section. They had the Bop It toy!!! I tried it, it was cool. If I had money I might have bought it to play with. It's very fun and challenging. I spent half an hour at Indigo, didn't find anything interesting otherwise, and so back home I went.

I laid on the couch and watched Stargate, then half fell asleep again. I spend a lot of time laying down during the day. I am far too exhausted from doing nothing. I get most of my energy late in the evening. It takes until 5pm for me to truly wake up. I guess it's from doing nothing so much of the time that my brain doesn't get used to functioning. I live in the dream world much of the time. Which isn't good I know, but it's my new addiction. Unfortunately. I went for 2-3 walks of half an hour each and drank some juice each time. I finally decided I'll study the rest of the afternoon so I went to Second Cup on Jarvis and King and bought a coffee. I was surprised at the cost, it's only $2.50!!! About the same as buying the Rockstar Coffee Energy drinks. Except it's warm. I even told the girl behind the counter the coffee was for me to study a lot. I got home and left the coffee on the counter to cool off. It was Ethiopean blend. I hate hot coffee. I don't mind it cold. I didn't add any sugar or cream or milk or anything, just black. I only like Rockstar Energy Coffee to be sweet, I don't add sugar to things by myself ever, except in the odd tea, usually I drink plain tea. Then I decided to go for another walk, after watching some Star Trek. I ventured into the local Winners and saw they had Hancock on sale, just one copy remained at $5. I had to have it. So I went home, got my wallet and went back to Winners, sipping on more Lemonaid. I bought it, along with a present for my friend Matthew. I got him a football shaped sponge holder for when he finally moves out of his parent's basement. I can't believe he's close to 30 and hasn't lived a day on his own. He has an incredible memory, I'm surprised he isn't a business CEO or something. Something must be wrong, I just don't know what nor how to help. I hope he likes the present!!! It wasn't very expensive, but it's nice.

I came home and straight went to visit mom. To thank her for motivating me and guiding me to get the Ontario ID card I bought her two small presents. I got her a 70% Cocoa chocolate block, and a Keno lottery scratch game. She likes those. She thanked me and gave me some food to take home for lunch tomorrow. It worked out in the end, I got lunch ready for Thursday! Perfect!

I had a brilliant idea while walking home in the evening. I will start a blog dedicated to my Cisco studies and my Internetworking studies. There I will vent whenever I don't study, instead of here. I haven't yet registered for an account. I'm debating whether to go with Tumblr. I have never used it, so it might be an interesting challenge to learn yet another blogging facility.

Then I logged onto LInkedIn and updated my profile a little bit. I saw a link to my blog on my profile and clicked it. It took me to a very old page from 2009 which I updated while living in Serbia. It's called B787Land. The about page talked about my love for IBM and how I'm dedicating the blog to them and only them. Then there was a page called Billions which said to stay tuned and to exercise in the mean time. Then there was a Links page with one link to a blog by Tanner Hagood, a boy who's blog I read from Serbia. He deleted his blog. He was obsessed with Apple products. I even exchanged several emails with him back in 2009. I watched his YouTube channel as well on few occasions. Then there was a page called Blender and it was a blog with one entry, explaining how much I hated Blender. It was me venting at my inability to grasp the Blender interface as easily as I could that of Truespace. And how nobody should use Blender because it's made by a bunch of dumb open source noobs. Then there was a Contact page with a stack of IBM boxes as a picture and a form to fill out for anyone to send me messages. I quickly deleted most of the pages, I deleted the Blender non-sense. I retyped the About page to be for business purposes. I updated my email address from my old Yahoo address to my current Gmail. I updated the Blog section to have no entries. And I updated the Contact form. I also accidentally changed the theme, so I spent some time finding a new theme. It is a site hosted by Weebly, and their interface is very easy to use. I will use this blog to talk about the business world as I see it. My disappointments with it, my impressions, my thoughts, all sorts of things, but all business related. The other blog I want to make is for Cisco/Internetworking specifically. So that will be a separate topic of interest. I could make it a Weebly blog, but I'd rather try something new. I have a Blogger account, a Livejournal, and a Weebly, it's time I use Tumblr for something. I heard Tumblr might be going public sometime soon, so I'm interested in that company as well.

Now it's 11:15pm. I have done a lot of work for today. I still have to register with Tumblr, and then I'll probably just watch Hancock and go to bed. I need to study tomorrow for real. Today was another study-less day. I'm far too tired to study right now.
My mom sent me a good video on Bloomberg about hackers and Apple. I like what the guy said, that when Apple stated that their stuff cannot be hacked, they issued a challenge to the hacker community to hack them! I was confused about a lot of other things he was talking about. I wish I knew so much that I could talk like this guy being interviewed.

During my watching of this simple video, which isn't even full screen and it isn't even high definition, the buffering symbol appeared 8 times!!!!!!! My service provider for Internet is Rogers Cable in Toronto. I find that i can only watch videos after they buffer, or at off-peak hours. Their service is horrendously over subscribed I think. They advertise their service on TV as being faster than Bell's, but my mom, who is with Bell, doesn't have these sorts of problems. I should be able to watch a video without it stopping 8 times and it buffering for 10-20 seconds each time. I live in a co-op building so I don't have a huge variety of choices in terms of providers, especially since I don't have access to a credit card. I had a huge health problem that prevented me from working and almost made me homeless about 5 years ago, and since then my credit has been shit. I lost all my possessions. Terrible time. But at least I should be able to watch a few videos for school without having to pause every 2 minutes for it to buffer. I hate Rogers.

I'm reading a book called "Welcome, Silence" by Carol North M.D., she's a doctor. It's subtitle says "My trumph over Schizophrenia". The things this woman thought are fucking nuts. I feel like I'm reading a really good science fiction book, not a book about schizophrenia!!! I laugh a lot while reading it. Her thoughts mimic a lot of what I thought at times. But I've never had any symptoms of this disease, yet I have it's diagnosis. I don't hear voices, I don't have hallucinations, I don't have strange thoughts. I don't even know why that doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia. I can only assume because I was in a third world country and their medical system is shit, that he needed some excuses to keep me a prisoner for two months. I should report it to some human rights tribunal. But I don't know how, otherwise I would complain. This isn't my strong area, complaining. I never complain. I have never had a need to complain when I was younger. My parents, grandparents, and uncles always took care of everything I needed. It's like they were psychic! Not that they predicted what i needed, it's just that I never had to complain to get anything done. But ever since this diagnosis I've felt miserable, I've felt worthless, I've thought about ending it all. Not because I'm a sucidially depressed person, but because that's how someone with schizophrenia is supposed to be. This woman has gone through such hell, I can't imagine doing all that she has done. At one point she tried to kill herself - something I'd never try, I love life way too much!! She even tried to cut out her feet with glass to find the machines hidden inside her feet. I'd never harm myself like that, ever!!!! The worst self-harm I've ever done is overeating. And that can be attitrubed to my new self-dagnosis of PTSD. I experienced two or three traumatic stressful events, all my symptoms point to PTSD not schizophrenia. The scary thing is the doctor who diagnosed me with schizophrenia didn't even observe me, there were no doctors present in the institution I was in. There wasn't any toilet paper either, but that's another story. Human Rights Abuses, anyone? I hate Serbia…I hate the people who have their grip on Serbia and aren't letting the people there live good lives.

I'm trying to watch another video on Bloomberg but it keeps buffering. It's so annoying and frustrating. There should be a group of people who hate Rogers Cable who could get together and launch a class action lawsuit against the provider, and shut them down with their false advertisements of high speed service. This would give other smaller providers a chance at getting some customers. Rogers has become so large that they control most of what we get from the internet, it isn't right that they get away with it. BUt like my ex-abusive girlfriend, who got away with it, too, they will probably continue to do Bad Things(™)….

I wish that Xjournal could have colours for text!!!! Is it so much to ask that this client supports WYSIWYG interface? I want it to be better than it is. I like using Xjournal. But it lacks the standard features of the LJ client on the web site. So I don't use them. Though I'd love to make colourful posts.

I wish I was a big businessman who got to wear a suit and a tie, had lunch in the office cafeteria that he prepares at home, went for a swim in my condo's pool once a day, had a beautiful and a smarter than me girlfriend who knew how to clean well, and was able to play the piano every day without tears.

I wish people didn't have tattoos or piercings or didn't smoke cigarettes or did drugs. I wish people didn't drink so much alcohol. I wish people didn't indulge so much and instead spent most of their free time studying, there's so much suffering in the world for us to simply be indulging so much that we become obese and prone to diseases such as cancer. We can do better than this!!!

My best friend just got two cats. I'm against pet ownership on moral grounds. I find it to be a form of animal slavery. However, I wish her the best of luck. She's a great person and will take good care of the two cats. It still bothers me a little bit that she has cats, but it's good for someone ilke her. She won't be so lonely, and it might even rub off on me a little bit. I will never have pets, other than fish, maybe. In my penthouse $20 million condo I will have a huge wall filled with fish, next to my swimming pool. I haven't gotten around to planning it yet. I don't know anything about fish, so I would pay someone else to clean the aquarium and my girlfriend could feed the fish. Women are great at taking care of living things, such as plants. Or people who are like plants, such as me. I'm probably not even living a real life, I'm probably just a brain in a jar somewhere hooked up to a computer!! I saw that on X-Files, isn't it a scary idea?

I'm hearing news that Tumblr is preparing to go public with an IPO, but it seems they have a way to go before going public. That would be interesting. I've never been a Tumblr user. Maybe I should find a hobby to use Tumblr for? I don't know. I'm not a very organized person, I've never been very well organized. I have notes on all worst of little papers and booklets filled with stuff and passwords, so it takes me forever to log into sites. Sure I use a different password for every site, but that means I have to write down all these passwords. That's not very secure, is it? I can't possibly memorize 200 passwords, of 8 characters or more, with alphanumeric strings. That's way too much, and then having to change them every 30 days? Who the fuck can do that other than a Terminator? I'm not a Terminator, I'm a feeble little human being, pathetic in comparison, yes, but still human.

This book I'm reading is doing a number on my brain, it's expanding my horizons. I never contemplated that helicopters can be imaginary, like they were for the Carol. She even spent a whole day biking over 100 miles to chase the fake hallucinatory helicopters, imagine that determination!!! I couldn't be bothered to follow through on something like that, I'd just dismiss them as helicopters. BUt she can't dismiss them, they are too intrusive. They bother her and cause interference patterns that she can see visually, rainbow colours flowing in patterns in front of her eyes. That's fucked up man. And somehow she cured herself of all those problems, and managed to finish medical school. I mean talk about God! She's a genius… I wish I was half as smart as this woman. I'd have no problems finding a job.

My real problem is that I'm lazy. I didn't used to be lazy, but now I am. I can't be fucked to do things. I want to be entertained. I want my videos not to fucking buffer. Stupid Rogers (#rogerssux). It's just that I'm already 34 years old, and I haven't worked in 7 years, what am I doing with my life? OMG….

I want more orange juice. I think I'll make this post public, let's see if I get any comments...

Boredom is the Killer

So I was reading a story that astronauts on the ISS could not attach a power unit to the space station because the bolt required to attach it won't turn more than 9 times and they need to turn it 15 times to secure it. I am angry that they are still using bolts. It's well past the 21st century and we still rely on old bolts? What kind of crap is that? Isn't there a better way of securing objects that doesn't require 15 turns? I'm upset that despite all this advancements we still cling to old ways.

In other Slashdot news, I read that self-driving cars are coming to California sometime in the near future. This excites me, as I really hate taking the bus, the streetcar and the subway, but I cannot drive. I think self-driving autonomous vehicles, perhaps like in Minority Report, are the future indeed. When we get the wheel out of the cockpit it'll leave more room for passengers and perhaps each vehicle could take on 5-6 people, that's far better than being squeezed like a sardine into a streetcar. I hate streetcars. We should get rid of all streetcars in Toronto and rip out the stupid rails in the road. That's such backwards technology. What we need are levitating magnetic anti-gravity vehicles. The kind the Germans have.

Please don't let the stupid Privacy Advocates win! I want all the videos and photos tagged and cataloged, it'll make searching for things much easier. Seems Google Thinks So, too so they've patented a new technology. They want to tag YouTube videos. I think this is a step in the right direction. Imagine being able to search for all videos on YouTube that contain a specific product, like Coca-Cola bottles, or Macbook Air's? We can't do that at this point, but with this new technology it would be so awesome. I am for this. I hate the stupid Privacy Paranoid Assholes.

This makes me excited! The ability of a computer code to detect what other code is capable of and adding it together to create something new is significant for the development of A.I.. I would like to see this progress further.

I am especially excited about this technology, it promises to bring networking to vehicles. Imagine being able to see the statistics of a car ahead or behind you? To see it's make, model, speed, passengers, even temperatures, might seem useless, but it would have tremendous value. If the cars could link together, they could be made aware of each other, and could navigate around each other with greater ease. I think it should become law that all vehicles on our roads have an identifiable transponder, which alerts other nearby vehicles of it's existence.

This seems ilke it's just not true. I can't imagine that the shape of a glass determines the rate at which someone consumes beer. I wonder if Gaelle has noticed this, since she enjoys beer frequently, much more than I. I hate beer.

I'm sure that this RAM development is good news, but I just don't get it. What is so good about a Flash DRAM chip?

I am glad to see pirates being arrested. There is no good legal reason for The Pirate Bay to exist. Down with pirating!! Sure I pirated when I was a little kid, but that's before I knew the harm it did to the businesses of programmers. As soon as I learned that it was wasting money and time from real people is the moment I stopped pirating. Now I go without software. I lack tools to do what I love, because I don't have money, but at least I'm living legally. It sucks not having Photoshop. :(

And that concludes our Slashdot reading day….

Bad Day with some Goodness

I was watching a new show on TV called Cool Pools. In an hour they showed some of the most lavish pools people have built next to their homes, or sometimes in their homes. I just remember the name of one pool, Neptune Pool. Some people had slides built in, others had waterfalls, some had fire pits, others had jacuzzis, cocktail tables in the middle of the pools, some had retractable glass roofs, some were encased in glass doors that would swing open to let the air in. There was even a pool with a built-in underwater aquarium, connected to a media room, so you could see the swimmers and the fish from the inside. Some pools costed a million dollars, others costed ten million dollars. I'm sitting there on my couch, which my mom gave me and paid for, in an apartment half paid for by my mom, thinking…. These people are so smart they can afford a whole house with a swimming pool this lavish, and I can't even afford to pay for my own rent. I am an idiot compared to these people. I am not even a human being, I'm an amoeba. I'm a retard is what I am.

Then I got really bored so I started repeating everything I was hearing on the TV. I don't talk at all during the day, unlike most people, I don't get to exercise my vocal chords. So I figured saying full sentences ought to be good for me. So I practiced using my English skills by repeating everything I was hearing. At first I had trouble repeating at the speed they were talking at. But after half an hour of practice I was able to repeat 90% of what they were saying as they were saying it. I switched it to news at 11 and started repeating the news. That was much more difficult as they talk REALLY fast. It was challenging. I think I should spend an hour a day just repeating what I hear on the TV. It'll keep my brain occupied, it's good vocal exercise, and it's probable good for the brain when it comes to remembering what I watch. Maybe my comprehension is higher when I repeat things out loud? I'll have to test that theory in the next few weeks. I hope I remember to do this tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

I went to the post office and sent Gaelle the postcard. That felt really good. I hope she gets it and it doesn't end up lost like her package did trying to get to me. I had a little chat with the lady that works in the post office part of Shopper's Drug Mart, and she advised me that it's possible the parcel got delivered to the wrong street, since George Street South and George Street both exist and they both have a building #110. Except in the North version there is no unit 311. So if that's the case it'll get returned. I sent Gaelle an email advising her to write "south" instead of just "s" after George Street. Though maybe she wrote south fully? I don't know. It's not her fault though.

I had a bad day today. I got a call from the passport office, they said they wanted me to fax them a document that states where my citizenship card was when I was returning from Serbia to Canada, and why I didn't have it with me when we applied for a temporary visa at the embassy. I had the card in Belgrade, the embassy simply didn't ask for it. Or so my mother claims, since she arranged the whole thing. She used my expired passport to get a release from the country letter thing. This letter they were supposed to take upon entry into Canada, but they never did. So we handed it in at the passport office, they said they'll deliver it to where it needs to go. So I emailed my mom instructions. Then I sent her a text message. Then to make sure she got it I called her on the phone. My mom read my email and was confused about what needed to be done, kept asking me questions, and I kept saying "Just read what I wrote", and then she'd read it and be like "oh I see", it's like she needed to read everything 2-3 times before she understood it. I was very clear in my wording, I think my mom is really old and it's taking her longer than usual to grasp certain things. This realization makes me really sad. If she was much quicker with technology she would shave advanced much further in her career. BUt she's so slow, she seems to fear technology. She asks me the same questions about her Mac as if she doesn't remember asking them only a week ago. Maybe it's simply something she can't grasp? I don't know. I'd like to think that everyone can understand computers, they aren't that complicated. Granted, when I watch my mom use a computer I shutter to think that people actually designed things to work this way, since I see how much she struggles with the basics of moving photos, moving files, or renaming folders. It seems still too complicated when she uses it. I think computers have a long way to go before we can call them "user friendly". My mom has a Mac, which is supposed to be the ultimate in user friendliness. BUt it isn't. It's difficult as fuck. The simple task of downloading 20 photos from a website is really complicated. My mother would click on one photo at a time, then click on download, then get confused where the download window is, since it gets hidden by the browser window every time she clicks back to the website. Then she'd wait for the notification in the top right window to show her the download is completed. Then she'd move to another photo. After about 20 times doing this, since on the site there is no "download all" option, she then got confused where the photos went. They all went into a folder called Downloads. I reminded her of this fact. She then opened up iPhoto and wanted to drag all the photos into it, but couldn't figure out how since iPhoto takes up the whole screen, and she needed part of the screen to show her the desktop. Or rather the Finder window that has the Downloads folder open in it. This was too complicated, so she went into File and then got confused again. I told her to go into File and to read every option carefully, it's there, trust me. She did this, grudgingly, and finally found it "Add to Library" was the fourth or fifth option. She selected that, and then it asked her what folder to use. She navigated to Downloads. BUt this was confusing. Because the Mac has Unix underpinnings, one cannot change the Unix username once it's selected. That computer used to belong to my uncle, so the home directory is called by my uncle's name. SO my mom had to remember this fact, to navigate to my uncle's name, and then to navigate to Downloads. One of the first things she did was change the username to her name, but the UNIX filesystem doesn't allow for the username of a home directory to change, nor for the home directory to be renamed. It's a complicated fucked up 1970's legacy mess that nobody has engineered a solution for yet. Even though it is the 21st century. It's pathetic when you think about it. So finally she naviaged to the Downloads section, and then instead of clicking on Add, she selected the first file, then used the shift key and arrow down to select all the files, and then clicked on Add. It's not obviously clear that clicking on Add without selectiong the files would still add them just the same. There's no visual indicator that this is so. The Mac has a thousand and one little ways to do something and you have to know them, you have had to have experience with them elsewhere. They aren't intuitive, they aren't user friendly. It's pathetic really to think that this is the best humanity can create.

I want more. I want better. This sadness me. No wonder my mom is confused. It IS confusing. IT's like a whole new language, no wonder it's daunting. IT IS DIFFICULT TO DO BASIC THINGS ON COMPUTERS EVEN IN THE YEAR 2012!!!! It took my mom half an hour to download 20 pictures from some websites and import them into iPhoto. Downloading each photo took less than 10 seconds.

This is pathetic people. So much engineering, and it's all a waste. We need a better approach to computers.

But that phone call in the morning, reminded me of the time I spent in Serbia, and I got very depressed. I hate that country. The people there are so god damn backwards. I felt so bad that I transferred $20 from my savings, money I am trying to save for new contacts, and I went to the bank, took $20 and went to a restaurant and bought myself some shwarma. I ate so much that I could barely stand up and walk. I felt a lot better while I was eating. Then I felt sick, and had to lay down. I couldn't function. So for the next three hours I just laid there, doing nothing, I even had to turn off the TV, it was bothering me. All that noise. I laid in silence for a good hour and a half. The food slowly working it's way through my stomach. I drank a Mountain Dew and maybe half a litter of water to help with the digestion. They always give huge portions at this Mediterranean place. I should really learn to eat half and take half for another day. But it's so good I can hardly control myself. When he's pouring the meat I keep thinking "Pour more, MORE, MOREEEEEE!!!!". I have no self-control when it comes to good food. Now I'm down to $130 in my savings, and it was up to $180 only a week ago. My contacts are around $400, so I have way more to save up. I'm so screwed.

There are people who can afford $10 MILLION DOLLARS for a pool resort in their backyards, and I can't even afford a pair of contact lenses.

And you want to tell me God exists and that people who pray are wise? I see no God here. Only me suffering in poverty.
I originally posted this on Livejournal but it's more music related so I moved it to my KJ31 blog.


From now on anything music related goes into KJ31. I want that project to have work behind it.

For My Mother

When I was little, only about 18 months old, my mother noticed that my pupils were white instead of black. In a country where poverty was running rampant and civil war was on the horizon, the former Yugoslavia, she found doctors to diagnose the condition properly as cataracts. Then she found the money and time to get eye surgery for me so I wouldn't be blind for the rest of my life. This was her first gift to me. I am not blind. I've conquered cataracts.

While growing up in Serbia, my mother worked very hard for the American embassy, while my dad did nothing pretty much all day. She saved enough money for a pair of glasses for me, they were very thick and needed custom fitting at a specialty shop by the fortress in Belgrade. A small fortune is what they costed. She never went anywhere on vacations, but always ensured that I would have a good pair of glasses. As I grew I needed roughly one pair every year. That was her second gift to me. New glasses, check.

Going to kindergarten was a lot of fun for me. I got to go to the same place as most of the kids I went to school with. Every summer they sent children off on a vacation trip for two to three weeks. My mother saved money for this, too. So every year I got to go to Becicic, to Budva, to awesome places on the Adriatic Sea with all my friends. Despite my low vision I managed to take care of my glasses and go swimming and enjoy the beach with my friends. She tied a small stretchy rope around my glasses so they wouldn't fall off in the water, an ingenious solution. It made me conscious of my glasses, and I never once lost them. This was her third gift to me. Vacations for me, and none for her.

War was coming in Serbia. The men who ran the nation had run it into the ground. They were power hungry, egotistical, not very pleasant people, and no wonder the whole country suffered. It suffers to this day from the same mindsets that destroyed it back then. The children of those men rose up and took power of their fathers and now rule with the same sort of mentality. It's not a pretty place, Serbia, has always been war torn. It's becoming an uglier place by the minute. So when war was obvious to my mother in 1990, she worked very hard to save up money and to get connections in all sorts of places. She applied and was accepted into Canada. And to my father's protests, she moved all of us to Canada. This was my mother's fourth gift to me. A new home, peaceful home.

Pretty soon we settled into Toronto and started our new lives. I picked up English fairly easily by watching cartoons and talking with kids at school. But my mother realized that something our household needed most of all was a computer for me to tinker with. So she saved $3,000 and bought us our first PC, a 386sx-16mhz machine, with a Canon BJ-10e printer. It was the most incredible of learning tools I ever could have dreamed up. I got into BBSes, telecommunications, I downloaded all sorts of software, tinkered with programming languages such as Pascal and Turing and a bit in Assembler. I started developing my own 3D routines, bitmap scaling, my own file packaging algorithms, little games here and there, a whole new world of people I met through online services. This was my mother's fifth gift to me. A path to the future.

As I tinkered with computers, I learned more and more and technology progressed more and more. Through a family friend I got access to an Indigo machine to play with Alias PowerAnimator and I learned 3D animation. But the PC at home was becoming slow, everyone was upgrading to Pentiums. So my mother invested another $3,000 and bought an IBM Aptiva M70, which was a Pentium 75mhz computer. A drastic improvement over the old 386sx-16mhz!!! She took me shopping with her and I chose the new OS/2 Warp operating system. I didn't know much about Windows at the time. This introduced me to a whole new community of online users, since nobody physically close to me had ever even heard of OS/2. It was an elite operating system. I learned the basics of ReXX scripting, started downloading and installing software, played all the bundled games that came with it, learned from the bundled encyclopedia, played with the Shark Tank game, helped my sisters learn how to use a computer when, of course, I wasn't using it. I continued programming, I continued learning about telecommunications. This was my mother's sixth gift to me. A continued path to success.

Then as a result of all the knowledge I had acquired, I got my first job at Sprint Canada. I worked as a technical support specialist for a year. Then I moved up to Patriot Computer where I was a supervisor for another year. I learned MS Access, built a graphical database for the entire call centre, reshaped the way they did business, as before me it was all paper based. Then I moved up to UUNET, I got hired in February 2000 and worked until 2006 as a Tier II Technical Specialist. I was in charge of the Internet backbone of Canada, I was the emergency on call for our whole autonomous system. I was earning more money than my mother, who had finished university. I achieved all of this directly and in no small part thanks to my mother's gifts. If I was blind I would not have risen so high. If I didn't have access to computers at home to play with I would not have risen this high. If we weren't in Canada, I wouldn't even have had those computers. My mother is the sole reason behind all of my success.

But she's aging now. Pretty soon she'll need to retire. And due to a sudden health issue I was unable to work for 7 years. Now I've gotten used to not working, and although I have my own apartment, I rely on my mother's influx of cash every month to pay for my food expenses. I cannot cover my bills even with government's assistance. And I live very humbly. I don't even have a blu-ray player! Nor a recent game system. I have the bare necessities, such as TV, a computer, and clothing. I even have a soccer ball, but as I have gained tremendous weight lately, I don't use it at all. It's a reminder of when I was fit, down to 175lbs, and I was playing soccer every day for 5 hours.

I'd like to get back to being fit.

I'd like to get back to being employable.

I'd like to be able to support my mother in her retirement. To give her at least one gift back.

So I will study to be able to help my mom. That's my higher purpose goal. I need to study so that my mom can be taken care of in the old age. Not so I can have a job, have a wife and have nine kids, no. Those are all fine goals, but the overarching goal is to be able to support my mother in her old age. I would hate it if she had to move back to Serbia because we have a house there due to lack of money in Canada. That would due the worst thing in the world. We belong in Canada. i don't ever want us back in that inhospitable place, ever again. No thank you.

So I will study from this point forward to help her out. To help me out, too, but that not as much.

Thank you mom.

Resurrecting my old blogging desires

While working at UUNET I joined Livejournal like all my buddies had and started to keep a blog. I even recorded how many hours a day I slept and kept a weekly average, thinking I had sleep problems. Sometimes my average dipped below 6 hours a day. I blogged about everything, from my love of writing music, to my love of Internet technology, to funny little things I found on the Interweb. Then my girlfriend, Alexandra, betrayed me in a single cold-hearted move. I was stunned. It took me 6 months to gather enough strength to kick her out of my apartment, but I finally did that and wrote about it on my blog. Friends from UUNET came to the rescue and started hanging out more and more at my place. We'd watch movies, play video games, filling up my empty time which formally I would have been spending with Alex. Then a week after I kicked her out, she started writing to me hateful emails. Apparently she was reading everything I was doing and was getting angrier and angrier. When I wrote that a friend of mine spent the night at my place, after it got too late for her to go home, Alex accused me of cheating on her. She still didn't clue in that we are split up and that I was free to do as I pleased. Of course nothing happened between me and that girl. But try explaining that to Alex. And try I did. I spent hours writing long elaborate emails explaining myself to her. Then when I noticed that I was talking to a wall, I did the only thing I thought rational. I switched my blogging on Livejournal from public posting to friends-only. I stopped writing details about my life, and I generally closed into a little wounded shell. The terrorist had won. She was now in control over that area of my freedom. I lost.

Well, today I say no more. It's been close to 9 years since I split up with Alex and it's time I get back to blogging as a passionate hobby. I don't know what I'm going to write about, or if I'll write a lot, but I'll try to make more public entries. My life isn't some life of a celebrity, not much interesting happens for me to write about. So I think I'll write about the things I read in the news, what interests me these days, and so on. We'll see what I come up. :) I can say it feels good to make a public post ever now and then. I hope to make a public post once per day. That would be my goal for the short term. Just to get in the habit of writing once again.

So much for now :)

p.s. I wish Livejournal had colours for text entries like they do in gmail. That would be cool...